"Learn from yesterday..."

...live for today, hope for tomorrow." This is how the saying goes. However, 2016 taught me how to dare, to think differently, to shape a life of my own and on my own. 

In January, after a destructive obsession that threw my emotions and thoughts all over the place, I learned that life doesn't wait for anyone. You have to grasp all the bits of courage you are equipped with and go on. Go further. Go away from what destroys you.
Also, feelings do not bother people, they never will; and if people say they do, then you know which ones you must never come back to, and which ones you must never believe.
What's more that I realized was that, if you wait for the perfect moment or for when you are ready, you might lose the only opportunity you will ever have. Just go with it and learn how to do it later. Be courageous, trust yourself for that.
On a more down-to-earth level, I passed all my exams once again (second exam session of my student life, yay!), and also the second group project. Besides, I liked to say that I changed my lifestyle: I started to go to the gym and swimming pool occasionally.

 

February brought novelty: new classes, new subjects, new classmates, new groups. New language - I started to take French classes, besides the compulsory curriculum. 
I realized that what I've done in the last year, and I'm still doing (moving away, changing lifestyles, traveling, studying, enjoying hobbies, bonding & bridging relationships etc.) is for my personal development only. I am going to spend my time investing in myself because I am the one with whom I will spend my whole life with.


In March I've been a tornado of emotions and feelings and thoughts, all of them mixed together and leaving the outer me confused. "How should I act?, What should I do?, Am I allowed to feel like this?, I'm bothering people., I should better lock myself up in my room so I won't burden anyone., Or better, I should kill myself." Storm after storm was blowing in there, I could not keep the pace, I was exhausted. It's been a tough, painful month. But I survived, thanks to the unconditional support from my lovely little family. ♡
Another good side of the month? I supported a friend in deciding her Uni programme choice, and I got the first aircraft model. Pretty awesome, I'd say.


April was sunny. I started it by giving more time to myself. I realized that the path to a happy present and a successful future is leaving the past where it belongs, and I decided it has no room neither in my present nor in my future. I ended the month with a Brussels day-trip with my French class (first picture here, scroll up for a few more). I added a new destination on my list, which was another reason for the joy I experienced this month.

I started off the month of May as a genuine tourism student: making a low-budget Netherlands tour (first picture here, scroll up for more). I did not reach all the points I would have liked to, but it was still a super-welcome escape. And then I escaped once again, with my field trip in Germany (here, then scroll up), which sparked my interest in this country. So, again, I added another destination on my list.
This month I also (re)applied to my first job in the Netherlands. But anxiety attacks and loads of panic, combined with depressive moods took over my abilities to enjoy life and to actually hope for a response. "I'm useless, they would never hire me again, I'm not worth anyone's time anyway" and other worries were running around my mind. Because of all these (and because in my lucid moments I was concerned about myself and my future), I grasped once again my bits of courage together and I showed up at a psychotherapy intake. It gave me hope. So, then, I was able to pass the job interview and get back in business.

June was for sure a life-changing month. I took the second step towards an improved mental health, which was showing up at the first real, full psychotherapy session. Looked like a tremendous journey ahead, but I was ready to embark.
I started to work again. It gave me a completely different feeling about myself and about life. I was learning a lot, I was aware of my surroundings and my ambitions, I learned how to work in a team and how to act professionally, outside school. I met more new people, hardworking colleagues and inspiring managers. I got touched by their positive vibes, and I learned how to disbelieve the negative ones. I've been given second chances, which made me truly grateful for certain people.
My schedule became busier, but I was feeling more productive. I survived two exams and a working shift, sprinkled with 14 hours of rain, in the same day; and damn, I was so proud of myself! (even if I slept 11 hours afterwards). Confidence comes from achievements, not compliments.
And I successfully finished my first year of University. Insane!

July brought a new set of changes. I moved out from my old place in a new home. I also worked a lot, I rested a lot, I worked a lot on myself and on my passions; in short, I have been productive. I had an incredibly great mood throughout the whole month, getting down below towards the end (communication issues, oops). 
Another thing I realized: I'm so productive and happy about life and capable of bearing difficult happenings and reviving myself from disappointments, until one trigger hits and takes away all my power; then I'm back to wasting time, procrastinating, not caring about myself and the food I eat etc. Thanks to therapy I managed to identify these triggers, and either fight or accept them, but in a way that they won't ever influence my plans again.

In August I had to go back in Romania. I wasn't really sure why did I even go, for whom (except for the flight itself, hehe). More about the feelings I had you can read here. 
Other than that, I worked and enjoyed life. I also got a little bit anxious for the new academic year, but the anxiety level has been way lower than what I ever felt before.

In September I challenged myself. Besides the new academic year and new classmates (everything new once again), I joined the "Dutch for Germans" class, an intensive language course that was supposed to be too difficult for my level. I came across doubtful persons and criticism, but I stayed steady on my position, not losing any bit of my determination. With every class that was passing, I got more and more encouragements, and the doubtful ones started to believe in me; I'm happy I could make a change.
This month I discovered how awesome my housemates are. Long night talks, bottles of wine, dinners, inside jokes, all in a very Dutch environment. They even helped me learning Dutch, how amazing is that! I moved in in the right house.
However, I became the victim of a violent mental breakdown, which left me paralyzed at work and unable to stop crying for several hours. I thought that was the end of my fight, that I will never fight again against my thoughts because it's useless. After many hours of crying and little hours of sleep, I suffered another breakdown, milder but still terrifying. Crying, sobbing, sighing, all that. Only after 16 hours of sleep and a few days dedicated entirely to self-care I could get back on track. I am thankful for the external support as well: friends, housemates, teachers, managers. They do good to me and they want the good for me, selflessly.

In October I witnessed myself changing, learning how to fight and tailoring an armor - the armor of rational thinking & reasoning. In other words, the hours of therapy start to pay off, I acknowledge my feelings and I recognize when I need to slow down. I have found a balance that keeps me going. I received continuous encouragements and support from my 'little close-by family', managers, colleagues, teachers, housemates; it's incredible how people who are not related by blood believe in you more than anything, and how they see things in you that you don't see yourself. I realized I do have control over my life, and that I should allow myself to be happy more often.

In November I understood myself (and the others) so much better. I understood the importance of defining what you want, identifying your values and building your life around them. I allowed myself to be happy, to enjoy life and to be...myself.
I got more and more adapted to the Dutch culture (wow, took some time...), and I felt my Dutch improving day after day; after all, 2 days out of 5 we speak Dutch in the house, and, generally, we rarely text in English. I also improved on the work floor.
Aaaaand I got some butterflies in my stomach. Oops.

December has been full of celebrations. I had the best 20th birthday, being surrounded by people that I loved and that loved me. I noticed how many good, great people are out there, and that staying with the ones who don't fulfill you, your soul, your ambitions, is purely a waste of time; there are plenty of people who can't wait to meet you. 

I got trained for a new station at work, I received my IP-diploma, I put an end to therapy, and I enjoyed holidays in fully Dutch-style, being drowned in gezelligheid: Christmas, New Year's celebration, and a special edition of SinterKerstenNieuwe with my lovely housemates. Of course I did not forget my roots, so the second day of Christmas has been celebrated Romanian style.
I learned how to be thankful and how to see the positive even in the (so-perceived) worst moments, how to always see the light and allow myself to be warmed by it. Finally, life is falling into place. I can end the year with one powerful thought: I AM GOOD ENOUGH!





I saw, I learned, I realized... These are the verbs that I use often in such posts. Because life is a continuous search, a continuous learning process, and because you have to try everything in order to find what you genuinely enjoy, what you deeply hate, and what fulfills you. This is also called "finding yourself". And I am underway.