Joie de vivre

"The feelings I have had for him, so strong. He inspired me for all sort of deep, lovely, touching texts. I have invested a lot of energy and soul in that 'relationship' between us, which wasn't actually a relationship, and will never be. However, I hate him now. I hate him with all the love and care I had for him. He promised me nice walks and long talks, but ironically we stopped talking to each other right after. I don't know why. I don't even know if this is of interest for me. The thing is, now I'm like a hedgehog with all the ones around me. I think a lot about him, but not with the same thoughts. It's different. I want to slap him hardly , I don't want to have any further contact with him, ever. I want all the bad in the world to converge on him. " Originally written: Jul 2015

"Why do I wholeheartedly want us to talk, but I can't text him? Why do I breathlessly wait for a message, but when I receive it I postpone, I avoid reading it, moreover I 'm afraid to ? Why do I want closeness, but when he gets closer I make a huge fool of myself hoping that this will push him away ? What do I even hope, in fact? That he w ould come and stay and that he w ould not get close and that he likes me and that he won 't... An unlucky will be the victim of this inner violent storm of mine. I hope I'll be the karma, otherwise I'll feel guilty." Originally written: Feb 2016

"I was reading some previous diary entries about him and my conversations with him. And now I'm thinking: how much of what I was telling him was true? I remember that I liked to play with the words and to write him texts; I remember that, deep inside, I was annoyed by his little obsessions, obsessions that I was claiming I love. And I remember that I liked to strike his chords. But with every message I realized I impressed him, something was gradually dying inside of me: my interest. Yes, my interest for him was fading away. He wasn't mysterious at all, he was always telling me everything I wanted to know. I proved myself that this is not the nice way. The worse part was that he had the same expectations from me. Say what?!  I don't like to put myself on a tray in front of you, because you'd run away. The proof? My emotional issues. I let them manifest in front of him, and he cowardly disappeared, leaving me a...text message." Originally written: ...

"There are those moments when you feel you lost everything; that 'everything' meaning the last little shard of hope that was located at the bottom of your heart. That last flake of the wonderful image you once had brightening up your soul. You feel you lost it. You know you lost it. However, you don't break down and cry anymore. You don't hit your pillow or scream or crumble stuff anymore. You don't curl up under a blanket and contemplate your terrible life anymore.  But you keep your bunch of aggressive negative thoughts under fierce control. You just acknowledge what just happened. You breathe deeply and shut the series of racing thoughts up. You only think what good, great thing this disaster will send you. You may shed a tear or two, but not more; and then get over it, in that second, and forever . This is when you know that all the battles you fought and will fight in the future have a purpose: they build the enduring, resourceful, resilient charact...

"I am tired. My whole self hurts. My thoughts are racing, creating scenarios, and I can't focus at all, on anything. I am lost in front of their power. I try to fight; but then I think it's pointless. Why should I fight? I cried so much in the past period. I'm exhausted. I want to escape.  The only consolation is that it could be worse, and that this 'worse' chose to not happen to me. Yet.  Hopefully, it never will." Originally written: Apr 2016

"I see myself boring and uninteresting. I feel I could never attract someone's attention from this point of view; someone who is lively, voluble, with the gift of conversation and communication. I feel I can't attract them. Maybe it's my introversion's defense weapon, I can't deny, but I'd love, at least for a little while, to enjoy the companionship of some childish, yet fascinating people. To learn how to live more carelessly and how to not take everything so seriously anymore; to be more relaxed and more fun, for my life should have a bit more color." Originally written: Feb 2016

"I feel low. In energy and in mood . I feel downcast... I don't know how to describe the sensation. It's like a cruel indifference towards everything around me. I want to hug someone. To love and to be loved back, with the same intensity ; so I'll be able to rediscover the beauty of life , to be ali ve again . " Originally written: Jul 2015

"At this moment, I dropped everything I was doing in order to write this. Too many unexpressed feelings packed up inside me, and now they simply want to explode on this piece of content. I need a reason to breathe and to joyfully get out of my bed. I need a motivation to do things; a person to be happy with and about. I want to think about someone real, and to have my day instantly brightened up, without fearing that that person will trample over myself and my feelings and emotions. I want to be awesome enough to be loved. I wish I could genuinely connect with someone, and find ourselves together. I want us to live the adventure of our lives. My introversion is quite an obstacle in making new connections, though; or it is merely the placebo effect. I want to feel understood b y someone with whom I could spend my life with. But I'm so not sure about anything anymore... Who would fall for this emotional, unsure, unsociable side of me, tho'?" Originally w...

"I feel a terrible need of affection; of love and closeness. I desperately need someone to prove me that I'm an important part in their life; I can't breathe. You know how a horrendous emptiness feeling feels like? Well, I feel like I'm that emptiness. I can't merely say that I only have a few empty places in myself, because it means too little. I crave closeness and affection. I want to be pampered, to be put on the first place, to be taken care of, to have my tears swept by a loving and caring hand. I crave something to fill my emptiness. I want someone to hug, someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to and to be silly around, without the fear of them leaving; someone who won't judge or ironically laugh at me. Someone who would patiently help me become the best version of myself." Originally written: Sep 2015 However, these feelings are back from time to time . 

"Anxiety level max! Critical overloading!!! In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again. Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can ' t take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.  I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city ; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place , to liter ally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every l i ttle thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth. I' m trying to figure out my life . I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying th...

"I was saying that, if I will ask him those questions, I will gently and determinedly leave, without any trace of regret. By reading, analyzing, and talking to him this summer, four years since those happened, I am perfectly sure that I am healed and that I do not hope anymore, for anything. And he convinced me, indirectly, that nothing will happen anyway; maybe just the memories and the indestructible relation between us. And no, we haven't talked about this. Sometimes , there is no need for words. I am ready. I am here with fresh energy. Relationship-wise, I am ready: he is not running around in my mind anymore, he is no more a reference point for future relationships. I am healed. Finally. Four years..." Originally written: Sep 201 5

"I'm still thinking about him. There are 3 and a half years since what happened, but still he's the one taking the most space in my mind and in my heart. And once he told me "I hope I'm not taking much space" . H eh. I'm wondering why. Why is he still there. I tried to forget him. God, how much I tried... I am simply not able to forget what has happened and what have I felt. How deep and how turbulent. And, more than anything, how warm and cozy. And how infinite... I don't even want to ask him what he now believes about back then, what he recalls, if it actually meant something to him. I'm afraid I will hate him. I'm waiting for a hint that might help me understand what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to forget. A story. A song. A line. Or someone like me... It happened to me to be attracted by others . But as long as he was there, and even months after, I couldn't get close to anyone else. He, it's l...

"[...] And three little gestures that made my day collapse, and another one that made it back completely. Or that's what I hope. I hope I don't deceive myself again. I don't want to write about them, though. I only want to highlight that if I don't stop exaggerating things, I will probably not survive. But this is simply a part of my personality that it seems impossible to change. The advantage is that I'm easy to please; there are those little gestures that you're not even aware of, that matter the most and that make me the happiest. It's proven: the little gestures show you the sheer feelings of that person. But can you even imagine how it feels when you realize that that 'special' person doesn't give a damn about you, when they actually say they do? In a way, this is a quality, so you know who that person actually is. On the other hand, it's the most painful shortcoming. A single sentence, even a single word, a tiny gesture, ...

On her wall, a post-it reminds:  "Get out of bed".  But sometimes, her disease makes her blind . 

Mijn droom houdt me op de been.

I'm going to carry on, to grin and bear, to swallow my tears, to follow my dream mercilessly. I want to overcome darkness, I want to crawl through it only guided by a beating heart. I will grow, I will rise and shine, I will be the best version of myself.  And nothing and nobody can stop me.

I'm going happy as fuck when you text me, when you sit next to me, when you hug me or when you simply touch me. Also, I'm dying inside every evening after we hang out because your absence, because you don't text me goodnight, because I think I annoy you, simply because you can't be with me.  We can't be each other's, we can't walk on the same road, we can't share the same air for too long... Maybe, in another life, we will be as happy together as I am when you look me in the eyes.

THAT feeling is back again. Like someone said, it's like a snowball which feeds itself and become bigger and bigger, and you just find yourself suddenly buried under an avalanche; and you can't stop that. An avalanche of worthlessness, of loneliness and fears and doubts, of constant self-criticism and overthinking.