Joie de vivre

...live for today, hope for tomorrow." This is how the saying goes. However, 2016 taught me how to dare, to think differently, to shape a life of my own and on my own.  In January , after a destructive obsession that threw my emotions and thoughts all over the place, I learned that life doesn't wait for anyone . You have to grasp all the bits of courage you are equipped with and go on . G o f urther . G o away from what destroys you. Also, feelings do not bother people , they never will ; a nd if people say they do, then you know wh ich ones you must never come back to , and which ones you must never believe. What's more that I realized was that , i f you wait for the perfect moment or for when you are ready, you might lose the only opport u nity you will ever have . Just go with it and learn how t o do it later. Be courageous, trust yourself for that . On a more down-to-earth level, I passed all my exams once again (second exam session of my stu dent life, yay!...

The sheer beauty of life can't be truly captured in a picture;                                        a genuine and hard laughter,                the moonlight on your lover's skin,                         the majesty of the sea,                                                  the hot sand beneath your feet,                                     ...

"The feelings I have had for him, so strong. He inspired me for all sort of deep, lovely, touching texts. I have invested a lot of energy and soul in that 'relationship' between us, which wasn't actually a relationship, and will never be. However, I hate him now. I hate him with all the love and care I had for him. He promised me nice walks and long talks, but ironically we stopped talking to each other right after. I don't know why. I don't even know if this is of interest for me. The thing is, now I'm like a hedgehog with all the ones around me. I think a lot about him, but not with the same thoughts. It's different. I want to slap him hardly , I don't want to have any further contact with him, ever. I want all the bad in the world to converge on him. " Originally written: Jul 2015

"Why do I wholeheartedly want us to talk, but I can't text him? Why do I breathlessly wait for a message, but when I receive it I postpone, I avoid reading it, moreover I 'm afraid to ? Why do I want closeness, but when he gets closer I make a huge fool of myself hoping that this will push him away ? What do I even hope, in fact? That he w ould come and stay and that he w ould not get close and that he likes me and that he won 't... An unlucky will be the victim of this inner violent storm of mine. I hope I'll be the karma, otherwise I'll feel guilty." Originally written: Feb 2016

"There are those moments when you feel you lost everything; that 'everything' meaning the last little shard of hope that was located at the bottom of your heart. That last flake of the wonderful image you once had brightening up your soul. You feel you lost it. You know you lost it. However, you don't break down and cry anymore. You don't hit your pillow or scream or crumble stuff anymore. You don't curl up under a blanket and contemplate your terrible life anymore.  But you keep your bunch of aggressive negative thoughts under fierce control. You just acknowledge what just happened. You breathe deeply and shut the series of racing thoughts up. You only think what good, great thing this disaster will send you. You may shed a tear or two, but not more; and then get over it, in that second, and forever . This is when you know that all the battles you fought and will fight in the future have a purpose: they build the enduring, resourceful, resilient charact...

"I am tired. My whole self hurts. My thoughts are racing, creating scenarios, and I can't focus at all, on anything. I am lost in front of their power. I try to fight; but then I think it's pointless. Why should I fight? I cried so much in the past period. I'm exhausted. I want to escape.  The only consolation is that it could be worse, and that this 'worse' chose to not happen to me. Yet.  Hopefully, it never will." Originally written: Apr 2016

"I feel low. In energy and in mood . I feel downcast... I don't know how to describe the sensation. It's like a cruel indifference towards everything around me. I want to hug someone. To love and to be loved back, with the same intensity ; so I'll be able to rediscover the beauty of life , to be ali ve again . " Originally written: Jul 2015

"At this moment, I dropped everything I was doing in order to write this. Too many unexpressed feelings packed up inside me, and now they simply want to explode on this piece of content. I need a reason to breathe and to joyfully get out of my bed. I need a motivation to do things; a person to be happy with and about. I want to think about someone real, and to have my day instantly brightened up, without fearing that that person will trample over myself and my feelings and emotions. I want to be awesome enough to be loved. I wish I could genuinely connect with someone, and find ourselves together. I want us to live the adventure of our lives. My introversion is quite an obstacle in making new connections, though; or it is merely the placebo effect. I want to feel understood b y someone with whom I could spend my life with. But I'm so not sure about anything anymore... Who would fall for this emotional, unsure, unsociable side of me, tho'?" Originally w...

"I feel a terrible need of affection; of love and closeness. I desperately need someone to prove me that I'm an important part in their life; I can't breathe. You know how a horrendous emptiness feeling feels like? Well, I feel like I'm that emptiness. I can't merely say that I only have a few empty places in myself, because it means too little. I crave closeness and affection. I want to be pampered, to be put on the first place, to be taken care of, to have my tears swept by a loving and caring hand. I crave something to fill my emptiness. I want someone to hug, someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to and to be silly around, without the fear of them leaving; someone who won't judge or ironically laugh at me. Someone who would patiently help me become the best version of myself." Originally written: Sep 2015 However, these feelings are back from time to time . 

"Anxiety level max! Critical overloading!!! In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again. Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can ' t take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.  I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city ; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place , to liter ally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every l i ttle thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth. I' m trying to figure out my life . I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying th...