Joie de vivre

How far do you have to go, how many tears do you have to shed, how much do you have to let go of, how many messed up days do you have to survive, how far do you have to go                          to realise that it's not worth it?  Maybe life is not for everyone.

"The feelings I have had for him, so strong. He inspired me for all sort of deep, lovely, touching texts. I have invested a lot of energy and soul in that 'relationship' between us, which wasn't actually a relationship, and will never be. However, I hate him now. I hate him with all the love and care I had for him. He promised me nice walks and long talks, but ironically we stopped talking to each other right after. I don't know why. I don't even know if this is of interest for me. The thing is, now I'm like a hedgehog with all the ones around me. I think a lot about him, but not with the same thoughts. It's different. I want to slap him hardly , I don't want to have any further contact with him, ever. I want all the bad in the world to converge on him. " Originally written: Jul 2015

"Why do I wholeheartedly want us to talk, but I can't text him? Why do I breathlessly wait for a message, but when I receive it I postpone, I avoid reading it, moreover I 'm afraid to ? Why do I want closeness, but when he gets closer I make a huge fool of myself hoping that this will push him away ? What do I even hope, in fact? That he w ould come and stay and that he w ould not get close and that he likes me and that he won 't... An unlucky will be the victim of this inner violent storm of mine. I hope I'll be the karma, otherwise I'll feel guilty." Originally written: Feb 2016

"I am tired. My whole self hurts. My thoughts are racing, creating scenarios, and I can't focus at all, on anything. I am lost in front of their power. I try to fight; but then I think it's pointless. Why should I fight? I cried so much in the past period. I'm exhausted. I want to escape.  The only consolation is that it could be worse, and that this 'worse' chose to not happen to me. Yet.  Hopefully, it never will." Originally written: Apr 2016

"I feel low. In energy and in mood . I feel downcast... I don't know how to describe the sensation. It's like a cruel indifference towards everything around me. I want to hug someone. To love and to be loved back, with the same intensity ; so I'll be able to rediscover the beauty of life , to be ali ve again . " Originally written: Jul 2015

"At this moment, I dropped everything I was doing in order to write this. Too many unexpressed feelings packed up inside me, and now they simply want to explode on this piece of content. I need a reason to breathe and to joyfully get out of my bed. I need a motivation to do things; a person to be happy with and about. I want to think about someone real, and to have my day instantly brightened up, without fearing that that person will trample over myself and my feelings and emotions. I want to be awesome enough to be loved. I wish I could genuinely connect with someone, and find ourselves together. I want us to live the adventure of our lives. My introversion is quite an obstacle in making new connections, though; or it is merely the placebo effect. I want to feel understood b y someone with whom I could spend my life with. But I'm so not sure about anything anymore... Who would fall for this emotional, unsure, unsociable side of me, tho'?" Originally w...

"I feel a terrible need of affection; of love and closeness. I desperately need someone to prove me that I'm an important part in their life; I can't breathe. You know how a horrendous emptiness feeling feels like? Well, I feel like I'm that emptiness. I can't merely say that I only have a few empty places in myself, because it means too little. I crave closeness and affection. I want to be pampered, to be put on the first place, to be taken care of, to have my tears swept by a loving and caring hand. I crave something to fill my emptiness. I want someone to hug, someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to and to be silly around, without the fear of them leaving; someone who won't judge or ironically laugh at me. Someone who would patiently help me become the best version of myself." Originally written: Sep 2015 However, these feelings are back from time to time . 

"Anxiety level max! Critical overloading!!! In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again. Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can ' t take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.  I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city ; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place , to liter ally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every l i ttle thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth. I' m trying to figure out my life . I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying th...

"I'm still thinking about him. There are 3 and a half years since what happened, but still he's the one taking the most space in my mind and in my heart. And once he told me "I hope I'm not taking much space" . H eh. I'm wondering why. Why is he still there. I tried to forget him. God, how much I tried... I am simply not able to forget what has happened and what have I felt. How deep and how turbulent. And, more than anything, how warm and cozy. And how infinite... I don't even want to ask him what he now believes about back then, what he recalls, if it actually meant something to him. I'm afraid I will hate him. I'm waiting for a hint that might help me understand what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to forget. A story. A song. A line. Or someone like me... It happened to me to be attracted by others . But as long as he was there, and even months after, I couldn't get close to anyone else. He, it's l...

"[...] And three little gestures that made my day collapse, and another one that made it back completely. Or that's what I hope. I hope I don't deceive myself again. I don't want to write about them, though. I only want to highlight that if I don't stop exaggerating things, I will probably not survive. But this is simply a part of my personality that it seems impossible to change. The advantage is that I'm easy to please; there are those little gestures that you're not even aware of, that matter the most and that make me the happiest. It's proven: the little gestures show you the sheer feelings of that person. But can you even imagine how it feels when you realize that that 'special' person doesn't give a damn about you, when they actually say they do? In a way, this is a quality, so you know who that person actually is. On the other hand, it's the most painful shortcoming. A single sentence, even a single word, a tiny gesture, ...

Have you ever had those songs in your playlists that throw you in melancholy and dreaminess whenever you listen to them? It's the same kind of 'empty' feeling you experience when you listen to a song from your early teens, for instance; however, in this case you know what it reminds you of: the blanket forts, evenings with your best friend, your first love. And this is not the type of melody I'm talking about. With these songs...it's like they throw you somewhere; somewhere in the past, in no known space or time, in a past you don't know when it happened, or IF it did. They remind you of something you're not sure exists, they make you return to some place you don't know where it lies, or if it's even there. They make that usual emptiness even emptier by making your soul long for...that something. And the more you listen to them, the longer a distance they build between you, the listener, and your object of contemplation. It's weird, and fasci...