Joie de vivre

...live for today, hope for tomorrow." This is how the saying goes. However, 2016 taught me how to dare, to think differently, to shape a life of my own and on my own.  In January , after a destructive obsession that threw my emotions and thoughts all over the place, I learned that life doesn't wait for anyone . You have to grasp all the bits of courage you are equipped with and go on . G o f urther . G o away from what destroys you. Also, feelings do not bother people , they never will ; a nd if people say they do, then you know wh ich ones you must never come back to , and which ones you must never believe. What's more that I realized was that , i f you wait for the perfect moment or for when you are ready, you might lose the only opport u nity you will ever have . Just go with it and learn how t o do it later. Be courageous, trust yourself for that . On a more down-to-earth level, I passed all my exams once again (second exam session of my stu dent life, yay!...

How far do you have to go, how many tears do you have to shed, how much do you have to let go of, how many messed up days do you have to survive, how far do you have to go                          to realise that it's not worth it?  Maybe life is not for everyone.

The sheer beauty of life can't be truly captured in a picture;                                        a genuine and hard laughter,                the moonlight on your lover's skin,                         the majesty of the sea,                                                  the hot sand beneath your feet,                                     ...

"The feelings I have had for him, so strong. He inspired me for all sort of deep, lovely, touching texts. I have invested a lot of energy and soul in that 'relationship' between us, which wasn't actually a relationship, and will never be. However, I hate him now. I hate him with all the love and care I had for him. He promised me nice walks and long talks, but ironically we stopped talking to each other right after. I don't know why. I don't even know if this is of interest for me. The thing is, now I'm like a hedgehog with all the ones around me. I think a lot about him, but not with the same thoughts. It's different. I want to slap him hardly , I don't want to have any further contact with him, ever. I want all the bad in the world to converge on him. " Originally written: Jul 2015

"I see myself boring and uninteresting. I feel I could never attract someone's attention from this point of view; someone who is lively, voluble, with the gift of conversation and communication. I feel I can't attract them. Maybe it's my introversion's defense weapon, I can't deny, but I'd love, at least for a little while, to enjoy the companionship of some childish, yet fascinating people. To learn how to live more carelessly and how to not take everything so seriously anymore; to be more relaxed and more fun, for my life should have a bit more color." Originally written: Feb 2016

"At this moment, I dropped everything I was doing in order to write this. Too many unexpressed feelings packed up inside me, and now they simply want to explode on this piece of content. I need a reason to breathe and to joyfully get out of my bed. I need a motivation to do things; a person to be happy with and about. I want to think about someone real, and to have my day instantly brightened up, without fearing that that person will trample over myself and my feelings and emotions. I want to be awesome enough to be loved. I wish I could genuinely connect with someone, and find ourselves together. I want us to live the adventure of our lives. My introversion is quite an obstacle in making new connections, though; or it is merely the placebo effect. I want to feel understood b y someone with whom I could spend my life with. But I'm so not sure about anything anymore... Who would fall for this emotional, unsure, unsociable side of me, tho'?" Originally w...

"Anxiety level max! Critical overloading!!! In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again. Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can ' t take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.  I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city ; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place , to liter ally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every l i ttle thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth. I' m trying to figure out my life . I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying th...

"I was saying that, if I will ask him those questions, I will gently and determinedly leave, without any trace of regret. By reading, analyzing, and talking to him this summer, four years since those happened, I am perfectly sure that I am healed and that I do not hope anymore, for anything. And he convinced me, indirectly, that nothing will happen anyway; maybe just the memories and the indestructible relation between us. And no, we haven't talked about this. Sometimes , there is no need for words. I am ready. I am here with fresh energy. Relationship-wise, I am ready: he is not running around in my mind anymore, he is no more a reference point for future relationships. I am healed. Finally. Four years..." Originally written: Sep 201 5

"I'm still thinking about him. There are 3 and a half years since what happened, but still he's the one taking the most space in my mind and in my heart. And once he told me "I hope I'm not taking much space" . H eh. I'm wondering why. Why is he still there. I tried to forget him. God, how much I tried... I am simply not able to forget what has happened and what have I felt. How deep and how turbulent. And, more than anything, how warm and cozy. And how infinite... I don't even want to ask him what he now believes about back then, what he recalls, if it actually meant something to him. I'm afraid I will hate him. I'm waiting for a hint that might help me understand what's going on, because I feel like I don't want to forget. A story. A song. A line. Or someone like me... It happened to me to be attracted by others . But as long as he was there, and even months after, I couldn't get close to anyone else. He, it's l...

"[...] And three little gestures that made my day collapse, and another one that made it back completely. Or that's what I hope. I hope I don't deceive myself again. I don't want to write about them, though. I only want to highlight that if I don't stop exaggerating things, I will probably not survive. But this is simply a part of my personality that it seems impossible to change. The advantage is that I'm easy to please; there are those little gestures that you're not even aware of, that matter the most and that make me the happiest. It's proven: the little gestures show you the sheer feelings of that person. But can you even imagine how it feels when you realize that that 'special' person doesn't give a damn about you, when they actually say they do? In a way, this is a quality, so you know who that person actually is. On the other hand, it's the most painful shortcoming. A single sentence, even a single word, a tiny gesture, ...