Joie de vivre

"The feelings I have had for him, so strong. He inspired me for all sort of deep, lovely, touching texts. I have invested a lot of energy and soul in that 'relationship' between us, which wasn't actually a relationship, and will never be. However, I hate him now. I hate him with all the love and care I had for him. He promised me nice walks and long talks, but ironically we stopped talking to each other right after. I don't know why. I don't even know if this is of interest for me. The thing is, now I'm like a hedgehog with all the ones around me. I think a lot about him, but not with the same thoughts. It's different. I want to slap him hardly , I don't want to have any further contact with him, ever. I want all the bad in the world to converge on him. " Originally written: Jul 2015

"Why do I wholeheartedly want us to talk, but I can't text him? Why do I breathlessly wait for a message, but when I receive it I postpone, I avoid reading it, moreover I 'm afraid to ? Why do I want closeness, but when he gets closer I make a huge fool of myself hoping that this will push him away ? What do I even hope, in fact? That he w ould come and stay and that he w ould not get close and that he likes me and that he won 't... An unlucky will be the victim of this inner violent storm of mine. I hope I'll be the karma, otherwise I'll feel guilty." Originally written: Feb 2016

"I was reading some previous diary entries about him and my conversations with him. And now I'm thinking: how much of what I was telling him was true? I remember that I liked to play with the words and to write him texts; I remember that, deep inside, I was annoyed by his little obsessions, obsessions that I was claiming I love. And I remember that I liked to strike his chords. But with every message I realized I impressed him, something was gradually dying inside of me: my interest. Yes, my interest for him was fading away. He wasn't mysterious at all, he was always telling me everything I wanted to know. I proved myself that this is not the nice way. The worse part was that he had the same expectations from me. Say what?!  I don't like to put myself on a tray in front of you, because you'd run away. The proof? My emotional issues. I let them manifest in front of him, and he cowardly disappeared, leaving me a...text message." Originally written: ...

"There are those moments when you feel you lost everything; that 'everything' meaning the last little shard of hope that was located at the bottom of your heart. That last flake of the wonderful image you once had brightening up your soul. You feel you lost it. You know you lost it. However, you don't break down and cry anymore. You don't hit your pillow or scream or crumble stuff anymore. You don't curl up under a blanket and contemplate your terrible life anymore.  But you keep your bunch of aggressive negative thoughts under fierce control. You just acknowledge what just happened. You breathe deeply and shut the series of racing thoughts up. You only think what good, great thing this disaster will send you. You may shed a tear or two, but not more; and then get over it, in that second, and forever . This is when you know that all the battles you fought and will fight in the future have a purpose: they build the enduring, resourceful, resilient charact...

"I am tired. My whole self hurts. My thoughts are racing, creating scenarios, and I can't focus at all, on anything. I am lost in front of their power. I try to fight; but then I think it's pointless. Why should I fight? I cried so much in the past period. I'm exhausted. I want to escape.  The only consolation is that it could be worse, and that this 'worse' chose to not happen to me. Yet.  Hopefully, it never will." Originally written: Apr 2016

"I see myself boring and uninteresting. I feel I could never attract someone's attention from this point of view; someone who is lively, voluble, with the gift of conversation and communication. I feel I can't attract them. Maybe it's my introversion's defense weapon, I can't deny, but I'd love, at least for a little while, to enjoy the companionship of some childish, yet fascinating people. To learn how to live more carelessly and how to not take everything so seriously anymore; to be more relaxed and more fun, for my life should have a bit more color." Originally written: Feb 2016

"I feel low. In energy and in mood . I feel downcast... I don't know how to describe the sensation. It's like a cruel indifference towards everything around me. I want to hug someone. To love and to be loved back, with the same intensity ; so I'll be able to rediscover the beauty of life , to be ali ve again . " Originally written: Jul 2015