Pit, dark pit
"Anxiety level max! Critical overloading!!!
In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again.
Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can't take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.
I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place, to literally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every little thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth.
I'm trying to figure out my life. I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying this necessity.
It's about emotions, psychic, my inner self. But sometimes my thoughts are so loudly exhausting that I can't even bear them, let alone control them.
A group mate feedback-ed me at the end of the project with: "Stop saying that you're not creative, because YOU ARE! And you're limiting yourself by saying this." This literally brought tears to my eyes. Plus other positive remarks, personal as well as professional, from the other group mates. Apparently, they see things in me that I fail to see myself, or that I see as negative. They actually paid attention. And I'm so thankful for this.
However, I watched a video recording of myself. Shame, fear to show myself up again, even repugnance gripped me. I feel like curling up under a blanket and cry, for years."
In the past few days, I fell in the pit of anxiety and self-doubt. Again.
Only the thought that I have to get up and put my feet on the ground so I can begin a new day makes me cry and feel a sudden, horrendous emptiness in myself; the same emptiness you feel when you are deeply scared by some material, concrete thing. What I am afraid of, I have no idea. But I simply can't take a responsibility or bring a task to an end with all my heart because...I fear something.
I'm ashamed to even cycle through the city; or to look people in the eyes, even the ones who know me already. I'm afraid to get out of my place, to literally show my face. I'm severely afraid of judgement, and every little thing that people say, every tiny trace of negative criticism or commentary hurts me to my deepest depth.
I'm trying to figure out my life. I thought I managed this already, but in fact all I have done is denying this necessity.
It's about emotions, psychic, my inner self. But sometimes my thoughts are so loudly exhausting that I can't even bear them, let alone control them.
A group mate feedback-ed me at the end of the project with: "Stop saying that you're not creative, because YOU ARE! And you're limiting yourself by saying this." This literally brought tears to my eyes. Plus other positive remarks, personal as well as professional, from the other group mates. Apparently, they see things in me that I fail to see myself, or that I see as negative. They actually paid attention. And I'm so thankful for this.
However, I watched a video recording of myself. Shame, fear to show myself up again, even repugnance gripped me. I feel like curling up under a blanket and cry, for years."
Originally written: Mar 2016
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